This time around I am meek and quiet. I've begun previous years fearfully, confidently, excitedly. But, this year, I am quiet. I know all too well, the truth of Proverbs 27:1. "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth."
I'm not afraid. I know my God is Faithful.
Still, I plan on living this day, and the days following, one at a time.
I walk a road littered with Doubts, but I hold a Strong Hand and my feet walk confidently.
How will I support myself and my children? Daily, I search for a job; I am not qualified for much. The simplest jobs require a technical skill or a degree that I don't have.
I think, "Are boundaries O.K.? Maybe I should accept everything 'till death do us part?'" I think of the years spent trying, and forgiving, and enduring. What's another 16 years? But, there is so much you don't know.
Deeply, I hear "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her..." "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life."
Even in separate houses, this is my hope, how I strive to live. I want Mr. Santos to know that he can trust me. Yet, there is a line, a new line, a safe place. I won't give it up. I won't erase that line and go back.
Our separation has been revealing - revealing our sin, our blame, our long-suffering with one another. We cannot continue anymore on separate paths. For many years our separate paths ran parallel. I see this in a lot of marriages; two people living their own lives, separately, parallel, never joining together as one mind, in one accord. That was fine for me. I did that for years. But for the Santos Times, our paths ceased to run parallel, they ran opposite. There was too much pulling, too much pain. Our separation presents us with a choice. If we are to go on together it must be on the same path.
The children have needs...needs that tower high and run deep. What can I do? "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."
I've been told that I am a bad influence. I've been told that I am in sin. And then on the other hand, I have been mocked for not seeking divorce, for waiting and praying for reconciliation.
And so, I am quiet. I don't know what this year will bring.
I know today I must pay the rent. God has provided. Today, there are children to feed, I will cook a few meals. Today, there are lessons to teach and learn, I will persevere. How will I do this? By God's Grace.
And today, I will be Thankful and Rejoice!
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; Phil 4:6
A Psalm of Thanksgiving.
Make a joyful shout to the LORD, all you lands!
Serve the LORD with gladness; Come before His presence with singing.
Know that the LORD, He is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.