July 24th marks one year since my mother died.
I miss her every day, especially lately, as my family, the Santos', have been dealing with such difficult things. I wish she was here to share my burdens with, to tell me what to do, to help me do what I find so hard to do - just loving my husband and children.
I know I'm not the only one who finds this difficult, for didn't God give instruction to the older women to teach the younger women HOW to love their husbands and their children? (Titus 2:4) He knew that we would need help.
Funny how I can be with a mother of toddlers and offer suggestions or compassion, but how needy I am for counsel, for grace, to raise my own pre-teen children.
So much has happened in this last year. I am a different person; just as a piece of wood is different after the woodcarver consistently whittles away at it.
I remember walking the halls in the hospital a few weeks before Mom died. Wet tissues in my hand, red eyes and nose, I cried in agony. Someone touched my arm and offered words of comfort regarding the loss of my mother.
I shook my head and walked away. Did I cause them pain, I wonder? I didn't mean to. They didn't know.
They didn't know I was mourning the loss of my God and not the loss of my mother.
I had prayed the prayer of faith, of healing. I knew that God could do it. God could heal my mother if He wanted to. I knew of his promise to give me whatever I ask in Jesus' name according to the will of the Father.
But He was saying No. No? He was saying "No?"
Could I trust Him if He did? Would I ever be able to trust Him again? Who did I have that compared to God? Only my mother, and she was dying.
It was a great crisis.
The way was dark, but I took a step. I could not lose my God! By faith I said, as many before me have done, "Not my will, but Thy will be done." I let it go.
A giant chunk of wood was removed.
With that change, I was ready for some finer tools, such sharp tools. Knives. Chisels. Hammers of various strengths. Sandpaper.
Consequently, this year has passed with much pain and progress being made.
Not everyone is happy with the changes. "Hey, that's not what I would have made out of her! I'd rather her be like this."
I've even heard "God doesn't work like that. It must not be Him doing the work in you."
There is always a battle when God is at work.
I am thankful that He has shown me what is good and what the Lord requires of me: to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God.
I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.
I know that even if I am faithless, He remains faithful for he cannot deny himself. Nothing will separate me from His love.
Is the way dark for you?
Jesus, Jesus, How I trust Him,
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er,
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more.
I decided to link up with some lovely blogs at Gracelaced.
Go on over and be encouraged.
Go on over and be encouraged.