On the outside I live a blessed life. There are no outward circumstances that are troubling me. My family is healthy. We have food, shelter, clothing. We have two cars. We have a large and safe place for my children to play and to plant a garden. We run a tiny farm on the side. My husband has a job that provides nicely for us. We go to church weekly. We are free. We are not afraid of persecution or death because of our faith. When it is cold, we have heat. When it is hot, we have the beach and forests of trees to cool us. I am extremely blessed.
But there is something wrong. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed. Sometimes, I just cry from pain. Sometimes, I clench my fists and fight extreme emotions and I cry out, WHY?!!
Why am I so anxious? Why am I so angry? Why am I so irritated? Why do I hate? Sometimes, I just want to run away. Why?
The Bible is full of the answers. I am so thankful for God's word to guide me. But, I wanted to know what the triggers were. What triggered all of this roller coaster battle in my spirit? And the Lord has shown me.
A few days ago we were sitting in a cafe and my Sophia was blowing bubbles into her juice with a straw. I shook my head with a smile to tell her that was not appropriate. She stopped. She was the oldest at her table (kids at one table, adults at another) and all the littles were copying her.
Someone at the adult table made a comment about her bubble blowing. "Finally, I see your kids acting like kids. They are always so responsible. I never see them play."
Immediately, I was anxious. My stomach turned inside. I felt sick and I could feel my face turning red. Thoughts flew through my brain as fast as bullets. "Oh no, I have weird kids. I must be controlling. We are bad home school representatives. Do we ever smile? No one can see the love of God in us. Uh, Oh. We must be a legalistic family."
Just a few minutes later, Mr. Santos made a critical comment to me. It was not out of line, nor was it untrue. But it was critical and the stomach churning just got worse.
TRIGGERS. Criticism. Perhaps condemnation. Someone's opinion. Fear of man.
But I am free! I am free from condemnation. There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1
There are two sides to the coin: one side, when the "triggers" are inflicted upon me, the other side, when I inflict the triggers on others. Either way, I become easily overwhelmed.
But GOD is good! He has shown me what to do. He has made a way for me! No more being controlled. No more controlling of others!
I will tell you how, next post...